The night it all went awry

A fairly ominous sounding title no? I figured that since I always get asked the question "How did you first notice?" I will put the story down in writing.

Jan 21st, 2008: Steve and I went out to a kitchy little place in Harvard Sq. called "Casablanca" for one of our "date nights" and to celebrate our anniversary. We had been on very good path recently, with things in the relationship really starting to look like they were moving ahead well, and we felt closer than we had in quite some time. The dinner to say the least was fairly forgettable, though the company was not. We chatted about buying/looking at houses, starting a family, getting married, all the things we typically discuss when things are going well with us :) The night was lovely, though short-lived as it was a Monday and we were both zonked, so we headedhome shortly thereafter. I think I will always remember what I wore during this first week of being diagnosed. Outfit: Knee-length green silk halter top dress, with my sparkly silver cardigan and silver open-toe high heels -- I tend to associate clothes with events I think (i.e. lucky clothes vs. not-so-lucky clotes).

When we arrived home I went to do my usual get ready for bed routine -- you know remove makeup, pin back hair, etc.. except that when I went to wash my face and was washing off the makeup on my right eye I noticed that my vision with my left-eye was all screwy. The best way to describe it is it looked conical, as if everyone was in a fun-house, or at least the tops of their heads were. I immediately panicked, and Steve immediately tried the usual "I'm sure it's nothing, come to bed, go to the Dr. in the morning" routine, as I can tend to be a bit of a drama queen. In my gut that night things didn't feel right, I had a hard time sleeping and was utterly disturbed by this visual defect. I woke up early and made the earliest appt. I could to see my PCP.

January 22, 2008: Outfit: Pink tufts hooded sweatshite, white tank, white shoes (that my mom hates even though they're very cute) and fav. pair of comfy jeans -- though I hate jeans in general. I didn't even shower that day, just got up, dressed, and went in to see the doc. I had just gotten over a severe case of bronchitis and was somewhat hoping this could be related to that...but highly doubted it anyways. So I went in, the NP took a look at my eyes and said I think you should see our Opthalmologist because she couldn't find anything wrong with me. Next step was getting shipped downstairs to the Opthalmology department (mind you this was the 1st one I think I'd ever been to as I had always had 20/20 vision). Whether it was luck or dumb coincidence my mom and sister happened to be driving towards Boston to drop my younger sister back off at college that day, and so my mom - who was in the loop about all these appts. - suggested they come and wait with me..it was a good thing they did.

I saw the Opth. and she dilated my eyes, something that is now part of my daily routine, did an eye exam and took pictures. She told me she saw a "mass" pushing on my retina and that was what was causing my vision disturbance. Looking back now I'm not sure why I didn't feel my stomach drop when she said a "mass" was there, but I guess my mind had not jumped to cancer. Though it didn't take more than 5 minutes for that to happen. She referred me to see a retina specialist the next day and told me ultimately I would end up seeing this guy at Mass Eye and Ear -- the Boston guru -- as you would have it. I was walking out, obviously disturbed, but not devastated because she told me the various benign things it could be and didn't mention cancer. However, as my luck would have it, as I was passing her office I saw she had just pulled up the pictures they had taken and she told me I could take a look. I walked and and when I saw it my heart dropped, I knew it was cancer...

The rest of the day was a horrible blur, lots of crying, lots of thinking about dropping dead tomorrow, about never being able to have children, about feeling extremely anxious for not having a real diagnosis yet despite knowing in my heart that it was malignant.

Thus began Day 1 of my new life with cancer.