It's been a while...sorry for the wait! :)

Happy New Year everyone,

I can't believe it's been two months since I've last posted. I keep thinking to do it, but then the thought escapes me or I think there's too much to say so I just won't say anything at all! :) But I am committed to writing this one and letting everyone know how things are going -- so if you're not ready for a long one then don't continue reading! :)

First off, belated happy holidays / happy new year to anyone I didn't get a chance to see or talk to around that time. My holidays were phenomenal this year. Since the final word that the scans were clear in late November I had been more than ready and excited to ring in the x-mas season and the end of the year. I was so grateful this year more than any I can remember to be healthy and happy with my family and friends. It's sad that sometimes it takes major life crises to make you really and truly realize how grateful you are for the people in your life. (Not that I didn't appreciate everyone before, but there's a special feeling to it these days!) X-mas was hectic with Jeff and I doing a split holiday, I spent X-mas eve and the few days before that down here in Delaware and then took an early as the sunrise train up to Palmer on X-mas morning to celebrate with my family (Jeff followed me up later that day and spent the remainder of the X-mas period with my family and I). As usual my parents and siblings all completely out did themselves. I still honestly wonder sometimes how there isn't a Santa b/c the sheer quantity and quality of the gifts we receive is just so incredible. I received so many thoughtful gifts this year, and so many useful ones as well! I wish I had pictures to post but I'm not sure where they are at the moment and I'm not sure where the cord for my new camera (X-mas gift) is. I'll get them here eventually. The best part of X-mas day though was the fact that we didn't have to rush around and take off to go to my Aunt's house as we have been doing for years! Instead we changed things around a bit and decided to have X-mas day at my parents house and had a lovely (and huge!) X-mas dinner that my dad and mom put together. It was so nice to be able to relax all day long with everyone. It helped that Katrina had gotten Rock Band for X-mas and the Wii so we spent quite a few hours pretending to be rockstars :) I like to think I can actually sing, and when I play on 'easy' I do quite well :) hehe.

Presents were bountiful and everyone treated each other very well this year, with very thoughtful gifts. Jeff and I exchanged "jewelry" as I got him a nice engraved watch, and he gave me a beautiful sapphire and diamond necklace -- quite nice :). I really do love X-mas, and not just for the presents, but because it gives you so many opportunities to spend long amounts of quality time with your family and significant others. It has always been one of my favorite holidays with my family.

In any case, shortly there after New Year's came along and Jeff and I were off to Stowe Vt for a ski vacation with 10-12 other people! We had rented a house a few miles from the mountain and I was able to go on my first ever ski-trip vacation. It ended up being a ton of fun, and I found out that I really love cross-country skiing! It's a lot of work, but it's amazingly beautiful, peaceful, and not nearly as scary for me as downhill skiing. Jeff is an avid downhill skier but he spent an afternoon cross-country skiing with me and we manage to do a nice 4 mile trail where there was a hot-chocolate pitstop along the way :) It was so serene there. I also had the opportunity to see my friend Kyle, who lived with myself and Andrea in Madrid when I was there the second time around, so that was nice it had been a couple years since I'd last seen her. Jeff and I had the most wonderful last day there, everyone else had left and we went out for a very tasty breakfast and then made stops at the Lake Champlain chocolate factory and also the Cabot Cheese factory -- delicious! And the drive was gorgeous as well. It's so nice to be able to essentially "escape" from time to time, we had very little access to TV, cell phones, or computers and it was incredible. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't do that more often? I think this was my favorite New Year's as well. Though I did miss the ball drop --- ooops! :) I am happy to say goodbye to 2008 and to welcome in the new year. I hope it brings everyone I know happiness and health, as quite a few people had a rough 2008.

And then I began my leave... I'm not sure if I had mentioned that before. But after my last breakdown following the Nov. scans I sat down with Dr. Sato and talked with him about needing to take leave. He was 100% on board and was surprised he said that I had not done it sooner, since I hadn't taken any time off of work last year. I don't think the timing could have been any better either. I've been needing more rest recently, and there were some major milestones coming up -- my 1 yr post - diagnosis mark, my 1 yr eye-appt (where hopefully I will be able to have them remove the fluid in my eye!) and the ending of my being on Sutent. My Dr.'s I think have been pleasently surprised that I have tolerated the Sutent as well as I have, with my body showing no signs of toxicity. Though I have noticed that my energy level has been much more zapped as the time has progressed. I've finally been able to sleep though and am now getting enough hours every night to feel rested when I wake in the morning. I'm sure that that is helping my immune system stay in high-gear. I'm a bit nervous about ending the Sutent. Part of me wants to be on it forever, and hope that it will ward of erroneous cells for the rest of my natural life, and the other part knows that I cannot possibly be on it forever. And as we always knew, there is no guarantee that it would even work, it's just a cross your fingers and think positive thoughts sort of thing. So I feel like ending this part of my treatment may leave me feeling like I'm not "doing enough" to fight my disease, and am worried that as soon as I stop crazy little cancer cells will start to accumulate in my liver. But I try not to worry about it too much, and am already thinking of a few things I'd like to do once I have taken a short break from finishing treatment. If my scans go well next week and I do finish my treatment on time (last day in Feb.) then I am planning to do a 1 month cleanse with my holistic Dr. before moving on to anything else. I think up next I really want to get into an immunology program. Whether it be immune-stimulants, or a vaccine therapy, I think that is my next path. Unfortunately there's not much brewing out there in the world of ocular melanoma along this path that I've heard of.

Speaking of ocu-mel stuff, I was so thrilled when upon my last visit to Dana-Farber before moving to DE I ran into Gregg and Sara, another young couple who are fighting ocu-mel mets together. They are so incredibly inspiring, and I always try to keep them in my thoughts and prayers as Gregg fights to keep his liver mets at bay. I am sad for them in the way I am sad for me, the possible chance of not growing old together, and not having children, perhaps not making it past next year..but they seem to always be in such high spirits, and so determined that it makes me want to be as well. The amount of research they have done and the interesting and new treatments they try just astound me. Gregg is blessed to have Sara, as I am to have Jeff. He told me that one of the things he'd like to do during this new year is to learn more about my cancer so that he can better understand what it is we're up against. I think that's pretty incredible. As my mom and I were saying not that long ago, 20o8 may have been a pretty cruddy year for me, but oddly enough I had one of the best and one of the worst things happen to me in the same year. I found Jeff and I was diagnosed with cancer. Life sure can be tumultuous.

So now here I am, temporarily living in DE with Jeff while on my leave from work (which ends in mid-March) and I find my days to be full to the brim and still not enough hours in the day. But I am able to do so many more of the things that I have been NEEDING to do for me since I was diagnosed last year. I am taking meditation and mindfulness classes at the Wellness Community in the Philadelphia and Wilmington DE areas (the wellness community is an amazing place that provides free cancer support programs to survivors and family / friends) and a few others as well. I've also been reading an incredible book, "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying", which is a very good read on really enjoying living and focusing on 'today' a problem so many people (myself included) have. I'm always living in the past or the future and rarely focused on the present moment. I've also been able to have more time to devote to things like juicing and growing wheatgrass. I don't exactly have a "green thumb" for growing plants, but my wheatgrass seems to do o.k. :) I've also signed up to do my first half-marathon this May and will be doing it with the same team-name Jeff and I created for the Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Challenge race -- "Eye Believe in a Cure". Myself and my good friend Andrea are the team captains, and we welcome anyone who wants to join to please do so. There is a half-marathon, but also a 10K option and we will be running to raise money for the Eye Tumour Research Foundation run by Wills Eye Institute -- one of the leading Eye Institutes in the world and one of the few that dedicates time and money to research for rare ocular cancers. I will post more info about that as the race date gets closer and we start to get things a bit more organized. For now you can check race info out here.

I think those are the big things that have been going on around here lately. I'll try not to be as much of a blog slacker, I don't know how people manage to post every day or every week! I've always been bad at writing on a schedule :) Overall things are going well, and I hope they continue to do so over the next few weeks while I face yet again another scan period. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, as they are always welcomed and needed :)

Be well everyone,
love,
Carissa